Dear Santa: What Part of Illegal Don't You Understand?

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Dear Mr. Santa Claus,

This is an open letter from William Gheen, president of the Americans for Legal Immigration Political Action Committee, Jim Gilchrist founder of The Minuteman Project, Peter Brimelow, founder of VDARE, Mark Krikorian, executive director of the Center for Immigration Studies, Dan Stein, president of the Federation for American Immigration Reform, Roy Beck, executive director of NumbersUSA, Lou Dobbs, Glenn Beck, Sean Hannity, Bill O'Reilly, Pat Buchanan, the members of the House Immigration Reform Caucus, and most Republicans, along with some Democrats, in the U.S. Senate. 

We have just received word from the North Pole that you have been delivering presents to the United States all of these years without adhering to the proper legal immigration procedures.  We ask you, Mr. Claus, the same question we ask of all illegal aliens in America, "What part of ILLEGAL don't you understand?"  We ask that you cease and desist delivering presents to Americans this very Christmas Eve, or we will be forced to report you to Immigration and Customs Enforcement.  You are infringing upon America's sovereignty and encouraging law-breaking by flouting a complex immigration system that few people understand.

It does not matter to us that there is, in actuality, no legal way for anyone to migrate to America from the North Pole.  There is no way for most illegal aliens to migrate to America.  That is the way we like it and we call any attempt to change it: AMNESTY.  Yes, we enjoy writing both the words, AMNESTY, and ILLEGAL, in capital letters.  They make more sense when we write them that way.  We also believe it is important to tell you on this Christian holiday, Mr. Claus, that we do not believe in the Christian values of forgiveness, compassion, and mercy.
It does not matter to us, Mr. Claus, that your holiday, and the presents you give, are almost single-handedly responsible for propping up our economy every year.  What does matter to us, Mr. Claus, is that during the brief time you spend in America you might take advantage of the only two public benefits illegal aliens have access to.  If you break your leg falling off of someone's roof we do not want to pay for your emergency medical care, and if your broken leg keeps you in America we do not want you educating yourself in our public schools.

What we are concerned about most, Mr. Claus, is that you might bring another illegal alien, Ms. Claus, with you, and have a whole bunch of babies.  That would allow your children to vote someday and there will be nothing to stop you from destroying American culture with your socialist habit of giving. 

We have also received word from the North Pole that none of the elves you employ, Mr. Claus, are American citizens.  We do not want toys that are not made by American citizens.  We also do not believe that your elves should be allowed to unionize, because that might improve their working conditions, too much.

We originally asked both Scrooge and the Grinch to sign onto this letter to you, Mr. Claus.  The Grinch refused because he said we were too heartless, and Scrooge said we didn't make any sense.  This letter makes perfect sense to us, Mr. Claus, and according to our polling the rest of America agrees with us.  Upon hearing this news we did a quick poll of the American public asking them "Do you approve or disapprove of...receiving presents from Santa Claus [the illegal alien]?"  According to our poll, 99.7% of the American public disapproves of you Mr. Claus.  Below is the full text of the question we asked:

Do you approve or disapprove of stabbing, shooting, and then drowning children while they are receiving presents from Santa Claus?
After reading this letter, Mr. Claus, we hope you will reconsider delivering presents on Christmas Eve.  If not we will be forced to ask Immigration and Customs Enforcement to detain you indefinitely and in secret, without access to legal counsel or medical care, in a way that makes it almost impossible for your family to find out where you are. 

Have a very Merry Christmas, Mr. Claus!

The Nativists

Disclaimer: For those that are not already aware, this letter is meant to be satirical and is not, in fact, written by William Gheen, Jim Gilchrist, Mark Krikorian, Dan Stein, Roy Beck, Peter Brimelow, or any other of the public figures listed.  If you can't tell, I don't blame you.

Santa Claus image courtesy of Kevin Dooley on Flickr.

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TL Winslow said:

It's sad that the current amnesty debate is so polarized :) Face it, one group, non-Mexican citizens of the U.S., wants all illegal Mexican immigrants to go back to Mexico, and the other group wants to stay. Not a lot of room for maneuver there.

Guess what? There's a way out of the impasse: the Megamerge Dissolution Solution of making Mexico's territory into 10+ new U.S. states in exchange for citizenship for all Mexicans, allowing it to finally be developed as a U.S. sector with free 2-way migration of people and capital, after which all 414 million Americans can share the New World in peace and prosperity.

Click the url to read more.

Prerna said:

Oh no, not the megaspammer Winslow again.

Kyle, this is one of the most hilarious posts I have read all year. Next to how Porter Corn ridicules Willy and the erm, white anti-racist professional video...

Abel Duarte said:

That's some good writing

janna said:

Good post, Kyle :)
The saddest thing, TL Winslow, is that many of the Mexicans (& other migrant workers) here don't actually want to stay. They want to migrate. It has become very difficult, expensive, dangerous, and impractical, for workers to return to their countries when jobs become scarce, when there's a death, birth, or wedding in the family, or simply to come & go with the seasonal ebb & flow of work. If there was a way to come & go more freely, many would not stay, and those who do want to stay would be able to legalize their status & become fully contributing members of our society.
If only.

revansatoda said:

Mr. Kyle,

While I admire your well-argued objection to Santa violating our national boundaries I must point out that there is a fundamental redeeming characteristic about Santa Clause that trumps the fact that he’s a socialist born in another nation. He is white. Let him in, let him bring Mrs Clause and hopefully they can have plenty of anchor babies that will improve, or at least delay the de-volution of our gene pool. Sure, Santa is a pinko, but we can train his kids to be good law-abiding Americans who respect our Founding Fathers, the Monroe doctrine and the justifiability of Eminent Domain.

Please re-consider you well-meaning but misguided objections.


Candice747 said:

This just in: Santa was detained by ICE after all. Mrs. Claus was up all night worrying because Santa didn't make it home. We still don't know where Santa is yet because he hasn't been allowed a phone call or anything. But there were witnesses that saw Santa being detained by immigration and all the presents were confiscated.

Bryan J. said:

Ha Ha, this is funny.

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This page contains a single entry by kyledeb published on December 24, 2009 12:40 PM.

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